By Alicia Lord, MA LPC
In the English language, there are a multitude of words to describe feelings states. Each word offers a unique twist that allows us to describe with finite detail exactly what is happening in our experience. I could say that I am feeling exasperated, which would paint a slightly different picture than if I said I am feeling resentful. Each, it would seem, allows others to gain insight into our internal world and promote compassion. How wonderful that our language provides us with such opportunities for self-expression! Except I don’t think that this is true, at all…
Stay with me for a moment.
To me, all of these words—forlorn, nervous, unhappy, annoyed—separate us from the truth of our experience. These descriptors are filler that disconnect our feelings from ourselves. Some imply blame, others simply allow us to go about our lives without taking ownership over, let alone attempting to process, our experiences. Mad, happy, sad, and scared are the essence of every feeling state that we attempt to describe with this ongoing list of adjectives; they are what truly lie under our descriptions and our strategies.
Let’s talk about “anxiety” for a moment. Anxiety is a concept that has spread through our culture like wildfire. To be anxious is normalized and reinforced regularly. To say that I am anxious allows me to go on and on about why I am anxious; “I am having anxiety because I have to do a, b, and c at work, all while my family is counting on me to do x, y, and z.” After going through these motions I am no longer even feeling, I am thinking and listing as a method of avoiding my experience. I have made the anxiety separate. It is not mine, but something outside of me to be avoided or exterminated. Besides all that, my lengthy description is not even the truth of my experience.
What am I really feeling? Scared. What am I scared of? Failing.
“I am scared to fail.”
This feels pricklier, right? Why is that, if, essentially, it is a simplified explanation of the same experience? To let someone else see you this authentically is very vulnerable. It is unnervingly real. To be able to say this congruently is to be embodied in your experience, remaining connected to yourself and your feelings. And just as it promotes self-connection, it also allows others to connect with you on a deeper level.
I challenge you to try this on for yourself. It may feel silly or awkward the first time, but can be very powerful when put into practice. Try to pair down your experience in an honest way. Use “scared,” “sad,” or “mad” as your primary feeling words. If you would like to take it a step further to understand what is contributing to your feeling state, zoom out your focus from the specifics of the lived experience, and focus instead on the real and deeper reason for your emotional reaction. What is the essence of this current challenge, rather than the details of it? Are you hooked into an old story that is no longer serving you? Is a core value being threatened? What is that little nagging voice in your head telling you? Getting clear about the what or the why will enhance your self-understanding, and with time can illuminate patterns in your internal life that are impacting your external life. In addition, sharing the truth of your experience and getting vulnerable with someone else will create space for them to do the same, and ultimately create depth and honesty in the relationship.
I offer this to you simply as a way of becoming more congruent in your experience, but it is up to you to determine if and how this feels authentic to you. There is no shame in utilizing your well-established emotional vocabulary, with yourself or with others. There are no rules for how to feel emotions, or how to share them.
May this approach help you find your own way, whatever that may be.
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