By Alicia Lord, MA LPC
Humans are judgers. We walk around constantly judging everything around us. I like this, but I don’t like this. This is bad, and this is good. This option is better or worse than the other option. These judgments are natural; they are a product of how our brains work—constantly categorizing and interpreting in order to make sense and meaning in the world. A judgment is simply your automatic reaction or response.
Each individual person, when looking at a situation, will have their own completely unique and personal judgment in reaction. In fact, everyone is constantly judging everything around them in a completely individual way. This is because everything individual about a person—their genetics, their experiences, their values and beliefs—shape the lens through which they see and interpret the world. In the world of counseling and psychology, this process is what we call projection.
Honestly, projection gets a bad rap. Don’t let this fool you. As explained above, projection is happening all the time in every person’s experience. There is no way around projection because it is the only way that you can engage with the world around you. What projection basically means is that the ways in which you are reacting to the external world actually have nothing to do with the external world. Instead, they have everything to do with the individual, internal world.
Here’s why this is important: awareness is the most powerful tool available to you. If you can build awareness about your judgments and reactions as you move through the world, you can begin to see how they are not actually about the people, environments, or events that you are reacting to. When you can see this link, you can then take ownership of the qualities, behaviors, and characteristics that you are having strong reactions to.
This perspective may not be an easy one to develop. Honoring your projective process means that you no longer get to blame others for your feelings. You have to take accountability for yourself in every situation. You are responsible for every feeling you have, every action you take, and every decision you make. Basically, you have to admit that you are completely on your own. Everything else is simply an external mirror of your internal world. The things that you love about partner, admire about your favorite role model, find fascinating about your favorite character…all of those are parts of you. Likewise, everything that drives you crazy about your neighbor; makes you want to roll your eyes at family dinners; or makes you want to scream…all of those are also parts of you.
Being willing to hold this perspective is also unbelievably freeing. If you can begin to own the qualities that you love and hate about the world around you, you become the fullest version of yourself. Plus, that negative charge around things you are judging as bad or not good enough will start to dissipate. There will be far less room for negativity, and so much space for gratitude.
Acknowledging the projections of other people can be immensely powerful, as well. As your awareness develops, you begin to see that the judgments and expectations of others are actually their own projections. They have nothing to do with you! You no longer have to hold yourself to someone else’s standard. Instead, you get to create standards for yourself that are authentic and congruent. The boss who is constantly on your back about being “better” when you are trying your best; the friend who makes comments about your weight or appearance; even your child who is embarrassed to have you drop them off at school: each of these people are having their own internal process. They are projecting onto you qualities that they cannot yet own or acknowledge. So please, try not to take it personally. It’s really not about you.
Remember, you cannot stop yourself from projecting onto the people or the world around you. It is easy to get frustrated with yourself when you catch your thoughts becoming harsh or judgmental (or even enamored). Instead, you can use that opportunity to find all the ways that you hold that same quality. You can gain a deeper and more compassionate understanding of yourself by paying attention to your projections. In addition, you can become the one and only person whose expectations truly matter.
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