The holiday season is often filled with messages about being “naughty or nice” or “good or bad.” While these phrases may seem harmless, they can unintentionally send children unhealthy messages about their worth and behavior. When kids hear that gifts or love might be contingent on being “good,” it can foster anxiety, shame, or a sense that they need to be perfect to earn approval.
As caregivers, we have the opportunity to create holiday traditions that are inclusive, nurturing, and free from conditional judgments. In this post, we’ll explore why “naughty and nice” messaging can be problematic and how to shift toward more positive, child-centered practices in your home.
Why “Naughty or Nice” Messaging Can Be Harmful
1. It Links Behavior to Worth
When children are labeled as “naughty” or “nice,” it suggests that their worth is tied to their actions. This binary messaging doesn’t account for the complexity of a child’s emotions or development. A child who struggles with self-regulation or acts out due to stress may feel they are inherently “bad,” leading to shame rather than growth.
2. It Can Create Anxiety
The idea that Santa (or anyone) is “watching” and judging can create undue pressure for children to behave perfectly. This pressure can lead to heightened anxiety, especially for kids who already feel insecure about their behavior or abilities.
3. It Misses Opportunities for Teaching
Labeling behavior as “naughty” or “nice” oversimplifies the reasons behind a child’s actions. Instead of understanding why a child might have misbehaved, the focus shifts to punishment or reward, missing a chance to teach emotional regulation, empathy, or problem-solving.
4. It Encourages Extrinsic Motivation
Rewarding “good” behavior with gifts or approval may lead children to focus on external rewards rather than internal values like kindness, cooperation, and self-awareness. Over time, this can reduce intrinsic motivation, making children less likely to act out of genuine care for others.
How to Remove “Naughty and Nice” Messaging from Your Holiday Traditions
1. Focus on Connection, Not Behavior
Shift the narrative from behavior-based rewards to family connection and shared values. Instead of framing gifts as rewards for being “good,” emphasize that giving and receiving gifts is about celebrating love, gratitude, and togetherness.
Example:
Instead of saying, “If you’re nice, Santa will bring you presents,” try saying, “We give gifts to show how much we care about each other.”
2. Normalize Mistakes and Growth
Help children understand that everyone makes mistakes, and what matters is how we learn and grow from them. Reframe challenging behaviors as opportunities for connection and teaching rather than judgment.
Example:
Replace “That was naughty” with “I can see you’re feeling upset. Let’s figure out how to work through this together.”
3. Teach Values Through Stories and Traditions
Use holiday traditions to teach values like kindness, empathy, and generosity without tying them to a “naughty or nice” framework. Reading stories, volunteering as a family, or creating gratitude rituals can reinforce these lessons in meaningful ways.
Example:
Encourage children to think about how they can bring joy to others by donating toys, helping with chores, or writing kind notes to family members.
4. Use Inclusive Language Around Santa
If your family incorporates Santa into your celebrations, frame him as a symbol of generosity and joy rather than a figure who judges behavior. Emphasize that Santa loves all children and that gifts are given freely as an expression of holiday spirit.
Example:
Instead of “Santa won’t come if you’re bad,” say, “Santa brings gifts to spread happiness and magic for everyone.”
5. Emphasize Effort and Kindness Over Perfection
Celebrate your child’s efforts to be kind, helpful, or thoughtful, even when things don’t go perfectly. This helps children understand that growth and intention matter more than being “good” all the time.
Example:
Acknowledge: “I noticed how you shared your toys with your sibling earlier—that was really thoughtful.”
Shifting Holiday Messaging Toward Positive Values
Here are some alternative holiday messages that promote positivity and inclusivity:
• “The holidays are about showing love and kindness.”
Focus on the joy of giving, sharing, and spending time together.
• “We all make mistakes, and we’re still loved and valued.”
Reinforce unconditional love, especially when emotions run high during busy holiday seasons.
• “Let’s think about ways we can spread kindness and happiness this season.”
Encourage kids to think beyond themselves and contribute to the joy of others.
• “Every family celebrates differently, and that’s what makes the holidays special!”
Promote inclusivity and understanding of diverse traditions and beliefs.
How Play Therapy Aligns with Positive Holiday Messaging
Child-Centered Play Therapy (CCPT) reinforces many of the values we want to emphasize during the holidays: unconditional acceptance, emotional regulation, and intrinsic motivation. Through play, children explore and express their feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space. Here’s how CCPT can help:
• Unconditional Positive Regard: Play therapists provide a consistent message that children are valued for who they are, not how they behave. This can counteract shame or fear stemming from “naughty or nice” messaging.
• Emotional Expression: In play therapy, children learn to recognize and express their emotions, helping them understand the underlying reasons for their actions and make positive changes.
• Internal Growth: Play therapy focuses on helping children develop intrinsic motivation and resilience, empowering them to act with kindness and empathy because it feels right—not because it’s rewarded.
Making the Holidays Joyful and Inclusive
The holiday season is a time for connection, generosity, and love. By moving away from “naughty and nice” or “bad and good” messaging, we can create a more inclusive and emotionally supportive atmosphere for our children. Instead of focusing on behavior, let’s celebrate the values that truly make the season meaningful: kindness, growth, and togetherness.
Through intentional language, thoughtful traditions, and a focus on connection, we can help children embrace the joy of the holidays without fear of judgment or pressure. And in doing so, we give them a gift that lasts well beyond the season—a sense of unconditional love and self-worth.
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